Don’t Lose Yourself in Motherhood
Don’t lose yourself in motherhood.
But, from the moment of conception watch everything you eat.
Are you walking enough, don’t walk too much.
Take the elevator, don’t take the stairs, sit down, move your body.
Are you drinking water?
No, you can’t eat that. Cut that out, Add this in.
But don’t lose yourself in motherhood.
The “health of the mother is the health of the baby.”
So, manage your anxiety.
You know that cortisol will reach her.
She’ll be predisposed to anxiety before she leaves your womb.
Are you happy? Are you calm? Are you relaxing? Move your body. Rest your body.
Eat enough, but don’t eat too much.
Weight tracked at every appointment; your habits examined under a microscope.
But don’t lose yourself in motherhood.
Those first hours are crucial.
Latch immediately, but also do skin to skin.
Placenta expelled, stitches, bright lights, pokes, prods, disconnect from your body to serve her.
Trauma history? No one cares. No time for flashbacks, no time for your pain.
Disconnect to serve her.
But don’t lose yourself in motherhood.
Have you pooped? How heavy is your bleeding? What color is it? How big are the clots?
Swollen vagina under bright lights.
Rest.
Wake up every 2 hours to feed the baby.
Rest.
Wake up every 2 hours for vitals to be checked.
But don’t lose yourself in motherhood.
“Breast is best” so feed on demand.
It “shouldn’t” hurt and if it does you are doing it wrong.
It’s going to hurt as your nipples build up resilience.
Rest and take care of yourself, but have you been feeding on demand?
Why aren’t you producing? Why are you engorged?
Eat enough, but WHAT are you eating?
A fed baby is the best kind, but wait you are doing formula?
Is it that dairy making her constipated?
Have you had your vegetables, to what tastes are you predisposing her?
But don’t lose yourself in motherhood.
Apply witch hazel to your vagina- while feeding on demand.
See a pelvic floor physical therapist- while feeding on demand.
Change your blood-soaked pad- while feeding on demand.
Get your nails done- while feeding on demand.
Have you rested?
Feed on demand.
Cook every meal.
Keep a clean house.
Take time with friends.
Keep the romance alive.
Bond with your baby.
But don’t lose yourself in motherhood.
Mama. Lose yourself in motherhood.
Lose yourself in the wonder and beauty that is your body, mind, spirit, and soul.
Lose yourself in your selflessness, your perseverance, your commitment.
Lose yourself in the shape of your belly, the growth of your breasts, your sensitivity to smell, your itchy skin.
All you can eat are bagels? Lose yourself in the deliciousness of an Everything bagel.
Lose yourself in that special language only you can speak with your baby as she wiggles and grows inside of you.
Lose yourself in the supernatural way your body creates an organ to be able to grow life.
Lose yourself in how carefully you plan and care and attend and attune.
Lose yourself in the ups and downs of your emotions, knowing that witnessing your humanness and healing will be the most valuable teacher to your baby.
Lose yourself in your wonder and beauty.
Fall deeply and madly in love with yourself.
Fall deeply and madly in love with your ability to carry all the physical and mental weight, even though you shouldn’t have to.
Lose yourself and you will rebirth with the knowledge that the patriarchy will tell you what to do and what not to do but is unable to do it himself.
He will tell you not to lose yourself in motherhood and tell you it’s your fault when you do.
Lose yourself in motherhood, drink in this transformation, the parts you love and the parts you hate.
Lose yourself and then when you are ready, in whatever way feels good to you, in whatever timing feels good for you…
Peak your head out. Maybe just the crown or maybe you go feet first.
Slowly or quickly. Maybe half in and half out while you get accustomed to this new you. That’s okay.
Slide out in one swift push. Or fumble and force yourself out with the might of forceps.
Cut out space for the new you because that old space no longer serves you.
…. and introduce yourself to the world.
Early or late. Carefully planned or with the abruptness of water breaking.
Lose yourself mama and walk proudly, confidently, and lovingly in the timing of your rebirth.
